LIVE Commentary from CryptoSlam 2025!

Welcome back to the SWC, folks. We’re about to witness the Money in the Bank title eliminator. The wrestler who climbs the ladder and grabs the briefcase filled with money will be next in line to challenge for the Shitcoin World Championship belt.

Special guest referee ‘Risk-Free’ Raúl Mal starts the action between Sergeant Sol Anna and The Ethereal Ghoul. There’s the bell. The Coinbase Arena is a complete sellout tonight. Who will emerge as the next contender?

The ghoul runs at the ropes and flies at his opponent with a clothesline. Sol Anna dips under, then dips again on the return. The ghoul crashes into the referee instead, and he is down. A ripple of laughter from the audience. Looks like Mal took a knee to the nuts.

Great counter by the sergeant, and the ghoul hits the canvas face-first. A quick elbow drop, then another. My god, she goes down hard. The ghoul blocks through muscle memory, and Sol Anna crosses the ring to take a run-up. Bam. Proof of Stake! What a move. Now she turns her focus to setting up the ladder.

The referee is back up and checks on the downed wrestler.

Sol Anna gets one foot on the ladder. She’s climbing up, but back comes the ghoul.

A blow to the face. And another. No effect. The ghoul latches on and drags Sol Anna back to the canvas.

They lock up, and Sol Anna whips the ghoul into the ladder. By gawd, he’s broken in half! Now what’s she doing? She’s out of the ring, looking under the skirting. What’s that? No. Somebody stop her. Weapons aren’t part of this. That metal could do some serious damage — it’s a hard fork!

The referee comes over to put a stop to this. It’s not legal, even in a hardcore ladder match.

She’s got three seconds to get back in the ring, or it’ll be a count-out. The hard fork will have to wait.

Ethereal Ghoul OUTTA NOWHERE with the NFT! And the referee is down again. Mal’s back was turned. Oh, the humanity. What a dirty trick. And again, a boot to the nether regions. That man is writhing in pain on the floor.

Sol Anna slides back into the ring. She sets up a second ladder while the ghoul doles out more punishment to Raúl Mal.

Now he spots the green of the sergeant’s uniform halfway to the briefcase. Ethereal drags her down. A roundhouse kick connects. He gets into position behind Sol Anna. He lifts her up, looking for the Omega Candle, but no, she reverses and gets his neck. Ooh, the ghoul is in serious trouble here. The tether choke is locked in, but the ghoul can’t tap. The guest referee is still sprawled on the canvas, a mess of black and white stripes.

Sol Anna releases and goes for the first ladder. She gets halfway up, and the Ethereal Ghoul gets to his feet. He’s on the other ladder. How does this work? Will they both go for it? That dangling briefcase is so close—

Wait. Is that the Strategy music? It is. Yes, it is! Sexy Sailor comes sprinting down the ramp. The crowd erupts. Listen to that roar. “Sailor. Sailor!”

Can they still make it to the briefcase? One more step for Sol Anna. The ghoul is close, but Sailor scoots into the ring. He’s got the ladder by the bottom rungs.

Oh, the crowd knows what’s coming. Sol Anna shakes her head. Don’t do it.

“Do it. Do it,” the crowd chants.

Sailor grins at the camera. The rugpull! RUGPULL! He rips the ladder away and Sergeant Sol Anna bounces off the turnbuckle and crashes to the canvas. Oh brother, that looked painful.

Now he’s got the ghoul in his sights. Another rugpull. Ethereal Ghoul is down. I think he fell right on top of the referee.

“Michael. Michael,” the crowd sings.

Both contenders look completely out of gas. And then there’s this guy. He’s got a microphone. What’s Sexy Sailor going to tell us?

“I’m going to set up this ladder here and teach these two shitcoiners a lesson.”

Chants of “SWC, SWC,” ring out.

Sailor scales the ladder, mic in hand.

There’s a hush in the arena.

“What do we say when some contender claims to be the next big thing?”

Still quiet.

“We say this. THERE IS NO SECOND BEST.” Sailor drinks in the atmosphere and puts his hand to his ear, motioning for the crowd to continue.

60,000 people in unison chant, “THERE IS NO SECOND BEST CRYPTO ASSET.”

Sailor reaches for the briefcase. He has it. Sexy Sailor wins the Money in the Bank match. Confetti falls and he climbs back down to the canvas. Ethereal Ghoul and Sergeant Sol Anna slink out of the ring, hobbling back up the ramp.

“Wait,” he says. “Let’s see what’s in this briefcase.”

Oh my, he’s tossing banknotes everywhere. Covering the ring. Some have floated in the crowd. It’s like an ATM explosion.

“Hey, ghoul. Sol Anna. You see this paper? It’s even more worthless than you.”

Finally, the guest referee Raúl Mal gets back to his feet. He raises Sexy Sailor’s hand, confirming the winner of the Money in the Bank match CryptoSlam 2025.

Oh no! Not again. Sailor takes aim at Mal’s groin. Blam. Money shot. And again. Mal is down again. Surely he can’t come back from this.

“I’ve still got this mic. It’s over when I say it’s over.”

A few more shouts of “Sailor” ring out.

“This is what I think of your worthless fiat.”

He’s dropping his pants. Not again. Oh no. This is not what SWC audiences want to see.

“All these banknotes are good for… is wiping my gray hairy ass.” He turns to the contenders still fleeing the scene. “Have fun staying poor, shitcoiners,” he screams, and then drops the mic.

What an event. What a match, people!

Keep watching. We’ve got the Royal Rugpull coming right up. Thirty-two of SWC’s top memecoins are battling it out here at CryptoSlam 25. Don’t go ANYWHERE.